Sesshomaru's Weakness
by Deritine
Summary: A lowly human discovers Sesshomaru's weakness on the eve of the final battle... will he and the Inuyasha gang survive the experience? One shot of a strange thought I had, parody.


Warning: I haven't seen all of Inuyasha, so this might be slightly off for later episodes, but it's pretty plot independent I think. Likely OOC and just for fun, a weird thought that I had at the end of a train of said thoughts that you probably don't want to hear. This is why caffeine and late nights are not good bedfellows, but I'm sure you all know that anyway.

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Inuyasha. Also- any brain hemorrhaging or other medical problems stemming from this fic are not my problem. Deal with them yourself. ;)

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"Naraku, I'm bored." Sesshomaru toys with the fur draped over his shoulder. "You did say that Inuyasha will be coming this way?"

Naraku sighs. Convincing the dog demon to wait had been quite the chore. Putting up with his whining is infinitely more trying. He contemplates just killing him, but that would be even worse for many reasons he doesn't want to think about right now. Too many evil and convoluted plots to plan. "Go kill one of the human vassals. Try the dog keeper. He's pretty useless." _Plus that would have a certain satisfactory irony._

Sesshomaru grins. Gracefully he swings to his feet and glides out the door. Naraku watches him go with no small amount of pleasure.

.

"Dog Keeper?" Sesshomaru finds a man resting in the trees outside of the kennels and assumes, correctly, that this is the one he's looking for. Always wise to check however. Might be someone useful after all.

"Aye, my Lord?" The man replies, puzzled. He is infinitely more puzzled when he suddenly finds a clawed hand wrapped around his throat and his feet quite efficiently removed from Mother Terra. The man gurgles helplessly. He looks up into the face of his killer and is strangely reminded of his prize stud. A stunning beast, but always challenging his authority. _Anything is worth a shot, I suppose._ He reaches out to Sesshomaru's face.

"Try human, just try. I love your pathetic species struggle with death." Sesshomaru smirks at the man who is slowly turning purple. But instead of the expected attack, the man's fingers reach behind the demon's ears. "What…?" Sesshomaru breaks off as the man begins to rub the back of the pointed ear delicately. Sesshomaru gasps and his grip loosens. The man takes a gasping breath but continues to scratch behind the long white ear. Soon Sesshomaru's hand drops completely away from the man's throat. Afraid of stopping, the dog keeper moves to the blue-white hair and deepens the scratches. Bemused, the human watches as his skilled petting reduces the powerful demon to a puddle of limp limbs. The keeper is reminded again of his stud. The way to the dog's heart was always a good belly rub.

.

"Are you sure that this is the castle, Sango?" Kagome asks as they enter the courtyard.

Her expression distant, the other woman answers curtly, "Yes, I am sure of it."

"Naraku is near then." Inuyasha says, face taut and focused. He shifts his grip on Tetsusaiga. The party's grim mood is thoroughly shattered when they come upon Sesshomaru. The dog demon is lying on his back, half naked with his armor completely off and shirt opened almost to indecency. Their mouths drop open when Sesshomaru moans happily and shifts to better display his white belly to the human scratching expert circles up and down his torso. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?" Inuyasha asks in disbelief.

The dog keeper jerks his head up, blinking sleepiness from his eyes. "I'm… it's… I was just…" He stutters.

"Not you, that thing lying on the ground in front of you." Inuyasha glares at the languidly stretching Sesshomaru.

"Mmmm… Inuyasha?" He mutters sleepily. The dog keeper takes this opportunity to back away slowly and make his way away from what is obviously a dangerous place to be. Sesshomaru blinks and struggles to regain use of his limbs that are near paralyzed by relaxation.

"Oh, by the Sacred Jewel!" Sango finally regains her command of Japanese. "Were you…" She trails off.

Sesshomaru struggles to stand only to have his pants fall completely off. He stares at the pile of fabric without comprehension for several seconds. "Well, crap." He says finally.

"Erm, perhaps we should… um…" Kagome stutters around her extreme embarrassment and mesmerized gazing at Sesshomaru's newly revealed anatomy. _I wonder if Inuyasha looks like that under those baggy pants…_

Sesshomaru gathers his pants from the ground and covers himself somewhat, though he seems to have lost his belt. He looks around under him. He vaguely remembers shredding it to reveal more belly… _These pants really were designed poorly. Who wants a waist-line near to their chest?_ He gives the belt up for a lost job and stands there holding the fabric together with his remaining arm.

"Well, that does explain a few things." Miroku muses, leaning his staff on his shoulder. "You couldn't fully appreciate your father abandoning you for Inuyasha and his mother because you yourself are unable to fully appreciate human women. Or women at all." He nods to himself.

"What?" Sesshomaru slurs.

"Yes, you obviously prefer men. Perhaps now you can begin to recover from the inferiority complex that strains your relationship with your brother." Miroku nods to himself again.

Sesshomaru stands with mouth open before repeating, "What?"

Sango nods as well. "Yes, the pleasure of his recent exploit has completely robbed him of his reason, just look at him."

Miroku holds his chin in his right hand pensively. "Poor demon. Not only that, but his complex was recently worsened."

Kagome finally catches on to the conversation. "Yes, being beaten by his younger brother who he must have felt to be less powerful… how sad."

Inuyasha smiles at his still soporific brother. "Twice, both times badly, and once when I was unconscious." Sesshomaru growls and swipes at Inuyasha with his hand; causing the party to be flashed again. Turning pink, the demon gathers his clothes about him again, muttering. "And he can't wield Tetsusaiga, either." Inuyasha pats the hilt of their father's fang proudly.

"Added to that the poor guy is now a cripple. Inuyasha cut off his arm." Kagome looks at their enemy with new sympathy. Sesshomaru contemplates whether fighting in the nude would make him feel better or worse.

Miroku nods again. "No wonder he has all these issues. This sad demon is a crippled closet gay with a deep inferiority complex and a younger brother that outshines him in every way."

Sesshomaru is now speechless in anger and embarrassment, rather than sleepy happiness. His grumpy mood leads to plotting of new ways to destroy Inuyasha and pals. He thinks of an idea. "If you are all finished insulting me, why don't you just go and find Naraku. I don't have any jewels on me." _He will at least stall them while I find my clothes…_

Shippo looks up at Inuyasha in confusion. "I saw some pretty big jewels, what is he talking about?" Inuyasha grabs the little fox and proceeds to punch him on the head. "Hey! Quit it! What did I do? Kagome!" For once, the re-incarnated priestess does not stop what is a thoroughly deserved beating.

.

Naraku looks up, surprised. "I heard no fighting… I thought Sesshomaru would slow you down at least a bit."

"He was to busy with his little lover." Inuyasha says with a sigh.

"His what?" Naraku blinks.

"Some guy… I don't know. Hand over the jewel fragments!" Inuyasha drops into a fighting trance.

"A guy? But he never responded to my advances! If I'd known he was just ignoring me I would have tried harder."

"We'll fight you to the… wait, what?" Inuyasha stops mid-heroic speech.

"Of course he didn't notice me when I was a human, I should have gone right back to him when I was changed…" Naraku continues, oblivious to the party.

"You knew him as a human?" Inuyasha asks weakly.

"Oh, sure. I stalked him for years. He finally got tired of me and stuck me in a hole filled with his poison gas. Did you know that it is flammable?" Naraku asks idly.

"Flammable?" Kagome repeats dumbly.

"Yes, quite. I was trying to find the exit when FOOM! Lucky I survived for Kikyo to find me." Naraku muses.

"Umm… so you weren't in love with Kikyo? You told Kaede you were…" Kagome replies, dazed.

"In love with her?" He laughs. "Certainly not. I was jealous as hell. Got that hot piece of demon tail all to herself. After all, can't have the demon, might as well have his half-brother. Almost got him to be a full demon, too."

"You… but… how… no…" Inuyasha stutters. Naraku gives him an appraising look. With new evidence in light, Inuyasha hunches into his (thankfully!) baggy clothes. Bad enough he's getting the same kind of look from Kagome ever since the naked-brother incident. No need to have it from his arch-nemesis as well. "Um, guys? I can't fight this guy right now. I'm sure you'll understand. Can we just return later?" The emotionally scared party nod, eyes wide. Only Shippo is unaffected as he is unconscious in Inuyasha's arms. "So, Naraku… we're gonna go now… leave you and Sesshomaru alone together. We'll be back later. Unfinished business and all that…" With that the group sprints for the exit, thoroughly beaten by unintended psychological warfare.

Naraku sighs. "I guess the baboon suit is kind of a turn off. I really am quite pretty now… maybe I should stop the indiscriminant evil killings, too. Sesshomaru seems to have taken a liking to humans…"

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"Aha! I found you! You will pay for making me so humiliated in the eyes of my brother. You should have heard the things they were saying about me! Naraku had better kill them all." He grabs the dog keeper around the neck. He has just enough time to regret his decision to repeat his mistake before his mental processes shut down and he is reduced, again, to a relaxed and happy mostly naked puddle on the ground.

THE END 


End file.
